Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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