If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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