is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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