So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
