3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
