Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
