nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
