There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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