he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
