I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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