Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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