you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
