Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
