i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
