i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
