Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize