4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
