Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
