i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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