i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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