i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
