he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
