what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
