I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
