I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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