i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you win again, gameday.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
