My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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