Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize