I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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