Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
