tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize