why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
