The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
