hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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