Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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