I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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