oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My pussy is not your playground.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
