Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
