Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
