i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
