i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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