Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
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