you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I think i got beer on your cat.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
