Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
