You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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