Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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