Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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