you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize