hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
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