Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
