I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
