you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
