i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
