nut hugger
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
