"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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