An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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