I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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