Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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