Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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