Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
